It’s a week shy of 4 months when I walked into The Press to work out that •one• day. That one day that I was just going to ‘test run’ the working out, and had no real plan for continuing on. A day, or maybe a few, that I imagined would be another mark disappointingly drawn into the loss column and tucked away in that failure file in the back of my mind.
One thing about those painful past dieting “failures” – they leave scars formed over a base of fear. I say that to say this. It’s frightening to list wins and successes out loud, as if doing so will create immediate destruction on any hard-fought-for progress. I’m going to do my best to kick the enemy out of that thought and give an almost four-months-in eating update that WILL include the wins.
My dieting resume is crowded with plans that are mostly complex to track – calories, points, logs, weights, measures, formulas, extra fat, no carbs, no fat, “free” foods and on and on and on. It’s no wonder my food confusion had truly peaked out after my last diet – keto, for the curious.
A few weeks in – somewhere around the beginning of last November – the first food conversation with Berry happened. It was basically this, “let’s eat whole, good quality food” and he then jotted down a general outline of how to eat at each meal. Notice I didn’t say ‘what’ to eat, but ‘how’. (I’m no food expert and therefore am leaving out the specifics of the ‘how’ but will say that no food groups are excluded and none are eaten in excess.).
For months I had been having the instinct to eat whole, unprocessed food – and had been considering doing the Whole 30 diet, although that wasn’t what he was referencing in our conversation. I wanted to test the theory of taking out the ‘junk’ I was eating to see if my aches and pains, headaches, and overall blah feeling improved. He wanted to make this process simple.
When he said this, I told him I was completely on board, but I have since tried (more than once) to complicate matters (always!) by asking about macros and my fitness pal and etc. “Let’s just keep KISSing” he said. (Keep It Simple Stupid, in case you’re confused).
SIMPLE! The little, but oh-so-big, thing that’s been my hearts desire for my life for the last several years. While I hadn’t previously lined up my need for simplicity with my eating, the encouragement to eat basic, whole, whatever-you-want-to-call-it foods sounded glorious to me. Additionally, another door was opened wide to my thinking – “willpower is an endless resource that you have to use,” he told me one day. You know those incredibly elementary things you hear and think, “well duh.” Mmm hmmm – this was one of those moments.
In a world that, since I was a teenager, had been the most complicated, gut-wrenching mess and one person comes along and gives me a three ingredient recipe that I can easily understand and implement: KISS + Willpower (mix in giant spoonfuls of encouragement as needed) created a life-giving, uncomplicated eating plan.
It possibly sounds absurd that I have neither thought of nor been told to use these simple tools and, whether I have or not, it resonated with me. As with other things in life, when we reach our low point, suggestions are received differently and I think that was why this was the perfect combination for me. A low point with the complex and tangled web of disordered eating, years upon years of diets and failures, plus all of the chaotic thoughts, crashing into someone who realized that keeping it simple was key for me. Again, I know that this meeting was a Divine connection from the beginning.
I’m in NO WAY implying that this has been a breeze and that I don’t struggle. Trust. I’ll explain that part later. What I AM saying is that in the win column, I have almost four straight months of eating with this “recipe” – simple foods, mostly meal prepped (not a ton of eating out) and when certain cravings happen, I mostly always remember that God has given me an endless supply of willpower. When I don’t remember, heaps of encouragement are mixed in.
Additionally, I haven’t had any ‘true’ binge eating episodes in these close to four months. I say ‘true’ because my mind is a work in progress. With some transparency, I will say that I have had a few set backs that shook me to the core and came unexpectedly. Each setback turns into a days-long, soul-crushing episode and that is just the painful truth of it. The difference, however, is placed solidly in the win column. In the past, these things happened in secret, in a black hole of lonely and quiet where no one was the wiser. These times, however, I talked through each of these painful ordeals and learned some pertinent, although hard, lessons.
As the months have ticked by, I have become more aware of just how hard it is to suddenly drop disordered eating – my coping mechanism. In the beginning, it was simpler, as if I were starting yet another diet. The difference now is that I’m in the midst of making a life change, backed by the knowledge of the eating disorder and over a year of work to understand that. Thankfully I have the support of others who have trudged the murky waters of becoming free from their own coping mechanisms, and have helped me understand what can only be described as the big mess in my mind. The details of this feel too personal to divulge, but I will say that the feeling of being lost has been a miserable place to be. “You’ve been turning left and now you’re turning right and you’re lost,” I was told. Lightbulb moment number 523 in this long journey – that is exactly how I feel.
While this time period has been an emotional roller coaster, I’m not putting it down in the loss column. Instead, I’m calling it a win for two reasons. One, I’m trudging through it, for the most part, without giving in to any old coping mechanisms, so that I can see the light on the other side.
Secondly, I’ve been able to connect with people who understand this phase and have explained it to me so well. The main someone that has helped me with this is my son, Blake. During his own addiction recovery, there were times when I was at a complete loss as to why things were so rocky. In all of his explanations to me during this, my own, confusing time, I now know what he was dealing with in trying to ‘turn right’ in his life. It’s harder than it looks, friends. If you can’t understand why, just trust me.
In closing, I want to clarify something that has been on my heart from the very first post. I never want to convey, seemingly simply, that self-esteem, value as a person and self-worth are tied to the number on the scale. In my own journey, that is the case and started very early in my life, snowballing and becoming my deeply disordered way of thinking. The harsh reality, seen more clearly now from a new lens, is that no matter the number, I never saw myself any differently. The bigger, and likely harder, part of this journey is not just about losing weight, but also that those things will be restored and I will see myself as I truly am. For the final four-month-mark win, I will say that I have seen a few glimpses of her, restored Melissa, and it feels pretty dang good.
For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10
just the good stuff please 