Jumping forward, I have been in the process of addressing these issues – full details on the next blog – from the time the cupcake incidence happened in Spring of 2019. There have been varying stages of work involved.

Currently, the stage of work is that I am actively trying to better my health, working out, correcting my eating habits, etc. With this has come an absolute roller coaster of emotions, feelings and struggles. On the good days I feel like the baddest ass in the bad ass society. On the bad days, I question if I have it in me to do this and make it last, then take my thoughts captive and move forward. Then there are the today’s – the worst days.

On these worst days, the enemy pulls out all the old files still residing in my mind, then sits directly beside me taking them out and tossing them around flippantly and carelessly, berating me and toying with my every weakness. It’s ironic when you think about it, how we get devoured by the enemy when we are trying so hard for something we want so desperately. In reality, it isn’t ironic at all, it’s scriptural.

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

On these days, the trigger can be so random, that most wouldn’t even recognize it – a certain look, a word that hits harder than it should, a situation, or a difficult person. The Enemy, as crafty as he is in his workings, sees it and runs rampant with it, knowing that he can pull me down with the slightest effort. “Melissa you aren’t worthy, you aren’t lovable and never will be, you aren’t wanted or valuable, go ahead and hate yourself like you do,” he SCREAMS in my ear. Loud and brash and believable.

The connection this attack has with eating is harsh – the next thought after all of the garbage dropped in my ear is “starve yourself, you don’t need to eat.” Starvation is powerful for control, but destroys the bodies ability to trust itself – and ultimately ends in bingeing. A viscous cycle happens with the tiniest of tiny holes formed in my thoughts. It is an exhausting and soul wrecking battle.

BUT. There was a point early on when I DID invite God into this mess. So with Him by my side, I am tackling all of these “WORST” days piece by piece. And let me tell you, it ain’t pretty much of the time – it’s incredibly ugly and exhausting and WORTH IT.

Yes, it’s WORTH IT. Can I say I’m ready to be on the other side of some of these things, to have some of these files destroyed with fire? Yes, I’m ready for that. In the meantime, I will keep working because I refuse to allow the Enemy to have any glory from what good God wants for me.

I’m stopping here and sharing the playlist I turn up as loud as possible and let it feed my soul and drown out that ugly mess trying to take control.