I became a mom exactly one month after turning twenty. 

More specifically, I became a single mom exactly one month after turning twenty. 

At a time clouded with fear, immense pain & rejection, tears, uncertainty, pointing fingers and whispered rumors, deception and anger, it’s as if I was riding in a vehicle that flipped over like a stunt car and went the opposite direction it was going. The life I was living and the one I dreamed of quickly and abruptly were different. Dreams, plans, high school memories, whatever were sharply extracted and replaced with a mission to raise and love a child, a gift, I didn’t expect. 

This baby boy and I grew up together and it was my mission to love him, provide for and protect him. He’s brought immense joy, fun, laughter and a big side of fear and pain to my life that I’m forever grateful for. 

Along with that, I knew there were things that hurt and felt “off” in ways. It was many years before I understood those things needed healing and restoration. Hurt and rejection, grieving the loss of dreams of us as a family, long held shame, and eventually the grieving of the man that was the other half of my baby. 

In the last few years, I’ve done work and more work in many ways that revealed so much of that. It’s been an ugly and painful process. A game of tug-of-war with myself, others, and God.  As I sit on the passive side of the game, giving more and more of myself in surrender, I’m seeing something incredible for the first time.  I’m seeing God beautifully restore things that I had no idea were even part of the brokenness of the situation. There are so many but one really shook me.

This past weekend, I met some friends out of state that I have come to love deeply and are part of this entire healing process.  We had plans to attend a college football game. It was to be incredibly cold and raining and up until the morning of the game I considered not going. I’m trying to live life to the fullest and soak up every moment given so I went anyway. 

As expected it was raining non stop and very cold. The lower attendance allowed us to move down into lower level seating on the 50 yard line. As I sat in the stadium, taking in the deep colors, all the sounds of players and fans and bands and canons something hit me. 

We left at the half and went to a well known bar. It was jam packed full with happy, fun-loving fans. Whatever vision can be thought about a college bar, this was it. As someone who can struggle in these types of crowds, I didn’t. I had a few beers, soaked it all in. The experience had a meaning I didn’t yet understand. 

More beautiful moments happened over the weekend and then I headed home Monday.

On my drive home, which is lengthy, i reflected on life right now. A year ago, I was deeply and darkly depressed and filled with anxiety, making hideous choices and breaking my own heart over and over. Now, today, I am protective of my heart and my peace. I realized two things. I have been feeling true and deep joy again.  Something that felt so frustratingly elusive not even a year ago is filling my life daily. 

Here’s the big one, though. The thing that shook me as I headed back to Texas. The college game in the rain. The college bar with a big ole crowd. God gave me an experience that I missed as a young single mom. A genuine college game day experience. I never felt the loss of this but the Lord, in his abundant goodness, knew that I needed that moment to fill in a little crack that would just add to the wholeness He’s giving back to me.  I knew in that moment, heading East, that He has me. He’s going to restore all of it, even some things I don’t think of. Every tiny crack will be filled in and it will be a beautiful patchwork of a life that I once struggled to understand.

“The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.”

‭‭Joel‬ ‭2‬:‭25‬ ‭NLT‬